but it got deleted by accident today, so I was able to find it
and re-post it - but reflects todas date instead
This is continued from here
“Don’t worry hun, when I execute our suicide pact, I’ll take them (two particular people) out first.”, "I'll take care of everything"
I had no idea what he was talking about, no clue.
Shocked at what he just said, I asked him to repeat what he said, he then paused, then said:
“I’m just kidding”.
He continued with:
"Why do you suppose my wife hates me so much?"
"Why is my marriage so unhealthy?"
"Why am I hated by my family when I try so hard to be a good Dad?"
"What am I doing wrong?"
I told my husband none of this was true, I said "Hun, you know better than that, what's wrong?" When I asked him where "this" was coming from, he said
"I don't know"
Little did I know, my husband was sincerely struggling with these hurtful thoughts for some strange reason.
By approximately May 26, 2009 my husband began making more odd statements about his wife and kids hating him and using him for his money, and said:
"I'm nothing more than a work horse and slave to my own family" and "My marriage is so unhealthy, you guys all use me for my money"
He began to experience extremely frightening hallucinations, but refused to get any medical help no matter how I pleaded with him.
He said that he was sick in a way that no doctor could help him and made me promise him I would not forget about his life insurance policy.
He said: “don’t piss through it”, “I got that for you and the kids in the event something should ever happen to me”, "make sure you get a financial advisor"
As the days went on, his behavior was increasingly becoming worse, but would fade in and out. Another words, he would be so different and odd and just as quickly return to normal, but later he would not remember being extremely odd.
The times that he was normal, it made everything he said or did that was so odd, not seem so peculiar after all, until he began experiencing spontaneous rage episodes and continually stated that his marriage in particular, was very unhealthy and that he believed he was having a nervous break-down.
My husband literally said:
"Hun, when I end up in a wheel chair, drooling on myself, will you be there to take care of me and wipe the drool from my face, or will you take the kids and leave me?"
This was how convinced he was that something serious was happening to him, and when we began to really argue and fight because I couldn't understand what or why he was going through what he was going through and because he wouldn't get any help.
Again, hind sight is 20/20, what I did not realize was that he was suffering from a sudden delirium or psychosis.
At one point and despite that we had just recently moved into our new home,
he told me to find us a house in a different town ASAP, as if he were afraid of something or wanted to flee from something.
No matter what I said, he refused to go to the doctor, almost as if he were scared to, and when normal, he would say; “hun, don’t worry, everything will be fine”.
By early-June 2009 my husband had at times, begun to become detached and distant and his back & forth behavior became much more frequent. But for the times that he seemed normal, everything would go back to the way it always was, and there didn’t seem any cause for alarm … until the next episode.
The rage episodes that my husband was experiencing were becoming frighteningly alarming.
There was never any cause for them, as they occurred literally out of nowhere.
If you knew my husband, he was not aggressive, he was not combative, he was certainly not the kind of person that liked to fight.
He would instead rationalize.
Don’t get me wrong, he liked to push buttons sometimes when aggravated, but he was not in any sense of the word a “fighter”.
On this particular night, my husband experienced a rage episode like no other.
I have never seen my husband in this kind of state before … ever.
This was not an argument, this was not a reaction to being aggravated by anything, this was literally out of nowhere and scared me so much that I couldn’t stop my body from shaking, my heart from pounding or the tears that rolled down my cheeks.
This was NOT my husband.
Upon going to bed, he called for me as he always did to fill his pitcher of water and to kiss me goodnight (I sometimes stayed up later than him to make sure the kids were all tucked in sleeping and the house was all locked up)
I brought him his filled pitcher of water, tucked him in, kissed him goodnight and put a cross on his head (a practice all of us did to each other) and he shut the light off from the lamp on his bedside table. Stumbling around in the dark, I reached the bedroom door where the light switch was. Thinking he was joking with me by shutting the light off before I had a chance to leave the room, I turned the light on from the wall.
What seemed like a split second, my husband dove across the king size bed and into my face as I slammed up against the wall from fear, with a clenched fist an inch from my face and his body just as close, my husband said;
“Get the fXXX out of my bedroom before you regret what I’ll do to you, get the Fxxx out now or I’m going to kill you right where you stand”
When he saw me cry and with a crazed look in his eyes, he said;
When I left the bedroom, not knowing what to do, I curled up onto the couch, and eventually fell asleep crying.
He was hurt that I was nervous to talk to him, didn’t understand why, and said;
“I don’t understand why you guys hate me so much, everything I’ve ever done has been for my family, and you guys act like I’m some kind of monster”.
I’m afraid to come home, I get butterflies in my stomach not knowing what I’m going to face”, as if I'd ever do something like to you, are you tying to drive me crazy?"
To me, this was nuts! He has butterflies in his stomach?
What the hell is wrong with my husband, where is this shit coming from I thought.
He had zero memory of his rage episode from the night before and he feverishly denied it!
My husband refused to go to the doctor, he began to become suspicious of me & somewhat paranoid, somehow thinking that I was really trying to drive him crazy. He did not believe that he was havin these, what I called "rage episodes".
On June 17, 2009 My husband experienced one final rage episode. He was totally freaked out, was screaming at me, swearing at me, doing circles in the living room before heading down the hallway to our bedroom.
BTW, this was spurred by a seizure my daughter was having upon he return home from Mass General. The seizures never did before, he always helped our daughter with them.
Fome reason he just repeatedly screamed at me to "get away from her, walk fxxxx away!"
I helped our daughter waited a few minutes, and noticed he was quiet. I could hear him on his laptop while he was laying on our bed. I went in to talk to him. I told him that he needed to go to a doctor, and that we couldn’t live this way anymore.
He shut his lap top, turned on to his right side to face me, he looked at me and said;
“You need to leave”, “You make our marriage and our family unhealthy”, “leave the kids with me, leave the truck, take the intrepid and go stay at your mother’s apartment”
Of course I’m not going to leave. I would never leave my kids first of all, but secondly,
it was clear something was wrong with my husband. I did not know what it was that was wrong, I only knew “something” was wrong.
When I refused to leave and insisted he give me some answers and to get help he said;
“You wouldn’t understand, you already think I’m crazy”
“An angel came to me and told me that we can’t be together”,
"Our marriage and our family are very unhealthy,”
“I need to take the kids and be in a healthy relationship”,
“ I have no choice”, “it’s already been done”, “My hands are tied”
“There is nothing I can do”.
He promised me that he would consider it, but on June 20, 2009
upon getting home, my husband whizzed through the house packing his things
in trash bags as quickly as he could and he moved out.
Upon leaving, my husband with a blank stare in his eyes said;
"It's too late, not all stories end with happy endings".
My husband wouldn’t have much contact with me at all, he wouldn't speak to me, he wouldn’t respond to my emails, texts, he wouldn't let me in his office (where he was staying briefly) … nothing. I was in a tizzy, panicking and lost.
On July 1, 2009 I received this from my husband ...
Sorry for the inconvenience?
I'm thinking; HELLLLOWW, is this a joke?, you just left me and the kids because an angel told you to. How about telling me whats going on, what about our family, what about our marriage, how about apologizing for that?
Of course I know now, he was completely out of his mind at this point and now I know why, but I didn't when it was happening.
If you remember in my previous post, I demonstrated that on May 20, 2009 (1 month earlier) I jotted down the date & time of a very odd call that we received and that I played back on our answering machine that appeared to be from my husband, but I wasn’t sure. I wrote the date and time down to look for it on the phone bill to see who it really was.
By the time the phone bill came in my husband had already moved out.
But, the calls were in fact from him
(I’ll explain this later because it is significant)